I had a love affair

 

pixabay free image, geralt

pixabay free image, geralt

In October, Julie Holmes graciously invited me to guest post on a blog she co-hosts: Meet Your Main Character. I shared a rather personal love affair I had with…well…read and see.

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I had a love affair.
Never consummated, mind you.

He was far too young, barely 20, and I’m middle-aged. Plus I’m married to a kind and caring man who makes me laugh. I’m blessed…in addition to being a realist. It could never have worked.

Yet, there was something about him that thrummed the heartstrings. Perhaps, it was his many failings that I related to, the human misinterpretations of how he measured his worth. He suffered the need to impress, a fear of failure and disappointing those he loved, of not measuring up to the outer façade of success. He wanted power, he wanted privilege, he wanted to be valued for what he did, because who he was just didn’t cut it.

I’ve felt those things. I remember feeling starved for love, grasping at smiles with barbed fingers and calling it destiny, overpowering any potential with suffocating need. I wanted validation for the object and trappings that was me. For beneath the skin, I’d learned, was nothing of value.

Perhaps what enchanted me was his capacity to dig deep into pain, to confront his failings face forward, to rise above, let go, and forgive his blindness. I saw humility in his startling encounter with his soul. I witnessed grace in that moment and fell in love.

For him it was a process, a paring away of the coarse petals of identity and fragile beliefs, each layer uncovering the mysteries and offering truths. Perhaps it was the courage and trust, the willingness to step with faith from the ledge.

I think I fell in love with his capacity to love…wholly…without fear, without shadows, without filters. How often do we meet a soul peeled bare. How rare is the courage to accept with open arms the messy lives we tote on our shoulders or drag behind us like a sack of rocks. I wanted a love like that…fearless, wondrous, unconditional.

Perhaps it was because he chose to live as he believed. His life wasn’t separate from his principles. He offered no excuses, no rationales, no exceptions. In this way too, he was intrepid, worthy of fidelity, and unpretentious. It was simply his way of being in the world.

Myths of the Mirror

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His name is Conall, and he was born in my head. He grew up on the keys of my laptop, loved on the pages of my first book. As real as he is to me, he lives only in the chambers of my heart.

It could never have worked. It took me a long time to let go.

Then I fell in love with Morgen
And Gryff after him
And…on I go, crafting new loves in my heart.

Tell me, have you ever fallen in love with a character?

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141 thoughts on “I had a love affair

  1. joanneeddy says:

    We don’t have to love the baddies. (Sounds like you may have written some real nasties) but I think the ones on the knife edge who we think have a chance of redemption suck us in – even if only for the kill!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. joanneeddy says:

    Nice as always, Diana. In answer to your question…I think there has to be something we see in our characters that we recognize and understand, even our bad guys. Then, we walk with them, see them develop, connect the dots of their lives, and build their stories out of the logical extensions of their histories. We have to grow to understand them and in some form or another with that understanding comes a level of empathy and love. Without that connection how could we write them as real, or make them believable? As Baba Zosia would say, “Just my two cents worth…” Jo

    Liked by 1 person

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